Relationships. Boyfriends. Girlfriends. Lovers. Hook-ups. Friends-with-benefits.
“I have zero experience in this field.” – This statement was true up until a few days ago.
Till the 7th of June, 2016, I really had no idea about how these things worked. All I knew was from the books or movies, or my friends’ experiences.
My friends say that what happened is not necessarily a bad thing. They told me that things always happen for a reason. But I don’t know about that. I just can’t help but wish I could take it all back. Cause right now, I am so confused. About a lot of things.
Let me explain.
I went on a trip with friends to this really beautiful (and cold) place. The nights would be lit up with a million stars. And the mornings would be the only time we all would be sober.
I’m not a bad drunk. I’d like to think I’m a fun drunk actually. I loosen up a bit, dance like no one’s watching, sing at the top of my lungs without a care in the world and make a hundred friends in a night. Even my friends would never be worried because they knew that even though I’m not in my senses, I can take care of myself.
When what happened that night, happened, we all said it was cause we were too drunk. I agreed. I’ll let you in on a secret-I wasn’t really drunk. At all. I drank quite a bit that night and I got a little high too, but I was still in my senses. But everyone around me? Not so much.
I keep telling myself that I hooked up with him because we both were very drunk. I really want to believe it. But I know what the truth is. I woke up at 4am that morning. I just sat up and he did too after a few minutes. And the look on his face was hurtful. We both knew what we did was wrong. And we didn’t know what to do about it.
He knew his best friend liked me. I had a feeling his best friend (who is also my best friend) liked me but I just pushed that thought away. But when we were sitting next to each other with nothing but regret, I knew for a fact that what I thought was in fact the truth. I got up ready to leave, and he just held my hand and in the softest voice he asked why I was leaving. I smiled at him and made up some shitty lie. We both knew I was lying. But I just had to leave. Looking back at it now, I realize, I really didn’t want to. Looking back at it now, I realize, he didn’t want me to.
The next morning was so fucking awkward. My best friend told me he liked me. He said what happened the previous night doesn’t matter. And that he’s ready to wait for me. The guy I hooked up with wouldn’t talk to me at first, but later when we were alone, he apologized for what happened. I told him not to. I told him it takes two to tango and that I was a part of what happened too and that he doesn’t need to apologize.
A week after the trip ended, while I was talking to my best friend, I realized that I liked him a lot. And after forcing myself to not chicken out, I told him. Since we are in different countries for the holidays, I told him over the phone and judging from his voice, he seemed happy…I guess.
Things are going good now. We’re talking a lot. I miss him. In two weeks we’ll see each other again.
I really like him, guys. I do. He’s so good to me.
But for some reason, I can’t get the other guy out of my mind. I dream about that night sometimes. I don’t want to though. I don’t like dreaming about him. It’s not fair to my best friend. I keep telling myself it’s because he’s the first guy I’ve ever been intimate with. I keep telling myself that even if I don’t want to, I’ll have some sort of feeling for him because of that very reason. I hope that’s it. I really do.
Best friend. We haven’t defined the relationship yet. I’m just waiting to see him before we do. A huge part of me is so sure about him. And a tiny, nearly non-existent part, is not.
I’m so confused. I don’t know what to do.