Demons

Growing up I’ve always thought of myself as selfless, down to earth, loyal and well, a good person.

But I’m not. And I’ve come to learn this fact in the past year or so. I’ve done things that a good person wouldn’t do. At first I told myself that I’ve made mistakes and it’s okay cause everyone makes mistakes. To err is human. But it’s not okay if making mistakes becomes a bad habit.

I don’t even know who I am anymore. I don’t feel anything when I hurt the people I love and care about. I don’t even know if this body of mine even has a heart.

I hate who I’ve become. Who I’ve actually been all this while. And right now, all I’m wishing for, is to feel the same pain I’ve caused so many others.

I despise myself.

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A little of something or nothing at all.

The thing about me is, I only write when I’m feeling emotional. And right now I’m a mixture of sad and royally-fucking-angry. So I started to write this thing, I guess you could call it a start of a story. It’s nothing really but maybe I’ll continue it next time I fight with people eh?

02:11AM

She had been pretending to be asleep for over 4 hours. Her parents did seem a little worried when she said she didn’t really have an appetite and just needed an early night. What they didn’t know was that underneath the blanket, instead of her usual pajamas were a pair of denim pants, a red hoodie, and feet with shoes.

She got up and kneeled down to pull out the bag she packed only a few hours ago from under her bed. Earlier, when she planned on packing, she couldn’t quite figure out what to take and what to leave behind. So she decided to go with minimum amount of clothing, one picture of her family where she was only about 12, her trusty old camera, her journal and a stash of dollar bills that she’d been collecting since she cut out that picture of her dream car 3 years ago.

She looks around the room one last time. Makes sure everything is in place – the note on her bed, which took her hours to write, ironically had only a few words jotted down on it, “Don’t look for me. I love you.” – And her phone lay on her bed side table. She thought it was necessary to leave it behind if she really wanted to go away.

While she walked out of her house, she couldn’t help but feel relieved. Although, whenever she used to think of this moment, she was worried emotions would take over her and that she wouldn’t go through with the plan.

She walked away. And not once, did she look back.

“Hey! This is my…um…what are we exactly?”

Relationships. Boyfriends. Girlfriends. Lovers. Hook-ups. Friends-with-benefits.

“I have zero experience in this field.” – This statement was true up until a few days ago.

Till the 7th of June, 2016, I really had no idea about how these things worked. All I knew was from the books or movies, or my friends’ experiences.

My friends say that what happened is not necessarily a bad thing. They told me that things always happen for a reason. But I don’t know about that. I just can’t help but wish I could take it all back. Cause right now, I am so confused. About a lot of things.

Let me explain.

I went on a trip with friends to this really beautiful (and cold) place. The nights would be lit up with a million stars. And the mornings would be the only time we all would be sober.

I’m not a bad drunk. I’d like to think I’m a fun drunk actually. I loosen up a bit, dance like no one’s watching, sing at the top of my lungs without a care in the world and make a hundred friends in a night. Even my friends would never be worried because they knew that even though I’m not in my senses, I can take care of myself.

When what happened that night, happened, we all said it was cause we were too drunk. I agreed. I’ll let you in on a secret-I wasn’t really drunk. At all. I drank quite a bit that night and I got a little high too, but I was still in my senses. But everyone around me? Not so much.

I keep telling myself that I hooked up with him because we both were very drunk. I really want to believe it. But I know what the truth is. I woke up at 4am that morning. I just sat up and he did too after a few minutes. And the look on his face was hurtful. We both knew what we did was wrong. And we didn’t know what to do about it.

He knew his best friend liked me. I had a feeling his best friend (who is also my best friend) liked me but I just pushed that thought away. But when we were sitting next to each other with nothing but regret, I knew for a fact that what I thought was in fact the truth. I got up ready to leave, and he just held my hand and in the softest voice he asked why I was leaving. I smiled at him and made up some shitty lie. We both knew I was lying. But I just had to leave. Looking back at it now, I realize, I really didn’t want to. Looking back at it now, I realize, he didn’t want me to.

The next morning was so fucking awkward. My best friend told me he liked me. He said what happened the previous night doesn’t matter. And that he’s ready to wait for me. The guy I hooked up with wouldn’t talk to me at first, but later when we were alone, he apologized for what happened. I told him not to. I told him it takes two to tango and that I was a part of what happened too and that he doesn’t need to apologize.

A week after the trip ended, while I was talking to my best friend, I realized that I liked him a lot. And after forcing myself to not chicken out, I told him. Since we are in different countries for the holidays, I told him over the phone and judging from his voice, he seemed happy…I guess.

Things are going good now. We’re talking a lot. I miss him. In two weeks we’ll see each other again.

I really like him, guys. I do. He’s so good to me.

But for some reason, I can’t get the other guy out of my mind. I dream about that night sometimes. I don’t want to though. I don’t like dreaming about him. It’s not fair to my best friend. I keep telling myself it’s because he’s the first guy I’ve ever been intimate with. I keep telling myself that even if I don’t want to, I’ll have some sort of feeling for him because of that very reason. I hope that’s it. I really do.

Best friend. We haven’t defined the relationship yet. I’m just waiting to see him before we do. A huge part of me is so sure about him. And a tiny, nearly non-existent part, is not.

I’m so confused. I don’t know what to do.

 

2 minutes to the first of June.

While I’m writing this, it’s 11:58PM, the 31st of May, 2016.

It’s the official end to my first year in university. And I couldn’t be any more overwhelmed.

My entire life all I’ve ever wanted was to have a life I would always remember. To have many stories to tell. To have many memories to cherish. Up until high school, life was good, but never satisfying. But now, it’s more than that.

This past academic year, a lot has happened. I’ve changed as a person. Grown. And I couldn’t be happier. I’ve made mistakes, I’ve tried my best to fix most of them, I’ve taken risks, I’ve faces my fears, I lived.

In my previous blog post I wrote about a guy I temporarily named A.

If you’re done reading it, you’ll be pleased to know that I did apologize to him tonight. I did have a couple of drinks beforehand, but a girl can get a little bit of help, you know?

And he was nice. He was so nice about it that I even shed a few tears. I don’t expect him to forgive me obviously. But at least I got that off my chest.

Guys,

Life has a lot to teach you. It may not be today, or tomorrow, or even in a few years, but someday, you’ll see life as it is. And when you do, believe me, it’ll be something.

I learned more about life in these 12 months that I did in the past 17 years of my life. And not all parts of it have been pretty. I’ve had some ugly days too, but I just can’t seem to let them ruin the whole experience.

Cheers…

To the friends I’ve made,

Thank you. Making friends had never been my forte, but you just couldn’t make it seem easier than it was. It clicked the minute I met you. The first ever conversation we had caught my attention. And I’m so glad you stayed with me during the good. the bad and the ugly. Thank you.

To the friends I’ve lost,

I’m sorry. Friends always come first. Before anything, before any guy. I’m sorry I had a few weak moments of hypocrisy. I miss you. And I hate that we don’t talk anymore. If I did apologize to you, just know that I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I want you to know I truly am sorry. If I haven’t apologized to you, I hope this letter is enough. I’m sorry.

To the bad times and the good.

To the ones who eat and the ones who treat.

To the ones who party and the ones who don’t.

To the teachers we’ve loved and the ones we didn’t.

To the past year and the ones to come.

To everyone.

Every second has made a difference.

 

I wouldn’t say I’m totally proud of who I am, who I’ve become. But I’m glad I changed over time. With every passing day, hour, minute, I find myself becoming the person I actually am.

 

Guys,

People make mistakes. People have bad days. But don’t let it get to you. Please. Instead, learn from them. Try to make the next day better than this one. Try to be happier than you were today. Just try guys.

And trust me, one day you’ll feel the same way I do. It may be a completely different scenario, but it’ll happen. I promise.

 

Cheers to my readers. Cheers to all the days to come and the stories to be shared.

 

(P.S. It’s 12:36AM.)

(P.P.S. Thanks for reading.)

(P.P.P.S. You don’t always need pot to trip. You can trip over bliss just as easily.)

 

Regrets, mistakes and memories made.

Guys, I have a story to tell you today. One I’m not too happy about. If I could, I would take it all back but I guess that’s just not possible. So all I can do is try and fix it. Or move on. I’m not too fond of either option.

Because, A) I’m deeply ashamed of my social faux pas; and B) Cause I can’t move on without doing anything about it.

So I settled with option C) Writing about it and hopefully coming to a conclusion about what to do.

So this guy, let’s call him A, was one of my closest friends. I completely adored him and we always had a lot of fun together. We became friends when he started dating one of my friends and even after they broke up, we remained friends.

And then a few months later, I meet guy B. Now this guy is the first guy that ever had any sort of interest towards me. He was in his final yer of uni so we knew nothing could happen so we decided to just be friends. Well I liked him. He was nice.

One day, when A, I and some other people did something very stupid, we all got into a lot of trouble. Trouble with the wrong group of people. People who knew B.

(I know this is getting kinda confusing but please bear with me.)

I got called to an apartment where was being bullied by the assholes who couldn’t mind their own fucking business.

Apparently, he was forced to tell them names of everyone involved in the matter. And he told mine. So when they asked me if I was involved, my mind said ‘yes’. But the word ‘no’ escaped my lips. And they slapped for giving them false information. It wasn’t the first beating he got from the scumbag, but it was the first one he got because of me.

After the issue blew over, everything went back to normal. Except us. and I aren’t on speaking terms. Why would he talk to me after what I did?

The only reason I couldn’t tell them the truth was because it would reach and I didn’t want to disappoint him. I lost a friend though.

And I just want to tell why I did what I did. I just want to say I’m sorry. But I just don’t have the guts to. I’m so ashamed of myself. I’m so pissed at myself.

I’m a bitch.

But I need to apologize. I need him to know that I do feel sorry.

What have I done.

 

Never have I ever and what I’ve done.

The history exam didn’t go too well.  It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t good either.

I went out drinking with my friends this evening. We played Never have I ever and it was then that I realized that I was actually a prude. I couldn’t drink for anything they would say, cause I’d never done anything they mentioned. And all they mentioned was sexual stuff.

Never have I ever been with a person sexually.

And I was the only person who didn’t drink to that.

It’s not that I’ve never don’t shit. I have. But just not anything that falls under the “sexual” category. And honestly, I don’t know how to feel about that.

I’ve had guys hit on me. So I guess I could say I’ve had the opportunity. But I guess, irrespective of what I say, I actually consider my “firsts” very special.

My first kiss. My first time.

I pretend to love being single. I actually do love being single. But some nights I just find myself craving for someone’s hands to hold, or someone to cuddle with, someone to kiss.

With everyone around you drinking for every sexual “Never have I ever”, it just gets you thinking, I suppose.

Maybe one day I’ll find someone to love. Someone whose hand I can hold, someone I can kiss. Someone I can turn to in my time of need. And even though I’m having the time of my life at the moment, I hope that day comes soon.

Cause the number of times I feel lonely seems to be increasing.

History, Game of thrones, and bending over backwards.

I’m almost done with my first year of university. Just a few more exams to go. Tomorrow I’ve got a paper on the History of Architecture. I’ve never been good at history. Ever. And at the moment I’ve been wondering if architecture is what I want to do for the next 50 years of my life.

I’ve been studying it for a year now. And it’s not that I’m bad at it. So far my designs have been pretty good. But I’m questioning myself on how I feel about it. Do I like it? Sure. Can I do it? Seems so. Do I want to do it? I don’t think so.

When I do start working, I want to like what I’m doing. I want to not think of it as a burden. Cause your job is a very important part of your life. And the key to happiness is satisfaction.

I know I’m not making any sense right now. No matter how much I stress on it, I just can’t seem to say this enough, I want to be happy and satisfied. You only live once, guys. So make sure you enjoy what you’re doing. I’m hoping I’ll realize what it is I want to do. I’ll let you know what happens. As for now, I just need to worry about tomorrow’s exam. (I’m not doing too good on the “studying” bit since I’m writing this.)

I_don't_know_what_I'm_gonna_do_with_my_life

Next up, Game of Thrones. Just when things start to get better, George R R Martin has to pop out of nowhere and break my fucking heart. I can’t take it anymore, guys. My heart can’t take it anymore. I’ve tried to stop watching it, but it’s not easy. Hell, it’s not even hard. It’s just plain impossible. *sigh*

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One of my best friends just broke up with her boyfriend today. And it wasn’t nice. She’s acting as if she’s fine and she says that she wasn’t even that serious anyway, but I know her. I can see she’s hurting. I remember the time she got drunk and she told me she loved him. Drunk words are sober truths. I know she loved him and I know he loved her too. But I guess, sometimes two people are just not meant to be. I wish I could say something that would help her feel better but I just suck at giving advice about relationships. I’ve never had first hand experience so all I know is from the books or movies or other friends. Man, not being to help someone sucks.

I’m in LOVE with Terribly Tiny Tales. For those of you that don’t know what it is, trust me, you have to check it out. You will not be disappointed. Here’s the link- http://terriblytinytales.com/

So today, I wrote a TTT of my own. They’re not great or anything but it’s a start.

He snapped his fingers. Then, her neck.

Kind of dark,  I know.

They purchased a coffin on his birthday.

I know they’re not nearly as good as the one’s they post but I’m hoping one day I write something good enough to send in.

What else? Oh right. I’m craving a cheesecake right now. And a burger. And fries. And ice cream. And a puppy.

Look at this totally adorable picture I found on Google (Yes, I actually googled “Puppies with bow ties” Go ahead. Judge me.). I’m going to take my dog to work looking like this.

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Isn’t he adorable! I want one!

 

I’m SO sorry about this boring post! I just wanted to write but not anything deep cause then I start thinking a lot and I’d be up the whole night writing when I need to be studying. I’m sorry. Please don’t hate me. I promise the next post will be about life and shit. Okay, not shit. Just life. And puppies.

Wish me luck!